23 Februarie 2016

Omul socotește că toate căile lui sînt fără prihană,dar Cel ce cercetează inimile este Domnul.
Proverbe 21:2 VDC

Junction

Who is she?
She's 28, skinny, blonde hair with amazing blue eyes.
You have a thing for blondes.
No I don't. I like them all, and I don't discriminate. I've had women all shapes, colour and sizes.
And yet... you married a tall blonde woman with blue eyes.
But this time is different!
That's what you said about Franca!
Olga is not like Franca.
Olga... Russian?
Yes.
So another cold blooded woman.
Ahm... What?
Job?
Land surveyor.
Aha. So again, engineer.
But that's different. Franca was building airplanes, Olga is surveying... land.
So she's more "grounded." David, I can't believe you're still chasing your patterns!
But I'm not...
Zipp it! I don't want us to have the same chat after 15 years!
Listen, is it wrong to have "preferences" in regards to women?
Of course not. You can choose whatever you want, as is women's choice and right to reject certain types of men.
I know, I know. But girls are like cars: it's nice to have a brand new car, with zero milleage, having that amazing "fresh car" smell, where you can choose your options and add-ons and pay higly for them. When you swap a new car for an old one, your choice is limited, you don't know the real milleage and it might have hidden faults. Is better to get pre-owned car, with low milleage and load of options than buying a new one, with less options and comfort than the pre-owned one. I'm not saying you should get the most used car with load of users and damage on board. Some like that, because it has a history to tell. But a used one give you less head ache and less drama than a new one.
How are you even allowed to talk to women?
Why?!
You've got some big balls man...
Thank you. They're actually medium size.
I'm gay and I don't think like that about women. No surprise you're struggling to find love.
And what do you know about them? Huh?!
Everything there is to know.
So you think they're inferior...
Stop it! I didn't say...
And that's why you're gay, because man are superior!
No! I strongly recommend you to pay attention to what I'm saying!
It's not about the words, it's about the message.
Who are you and what have you done with my David? I'm hoping that you don't teach Sarah all your nonsense!
Relax! I was just playing with your mind, teasing you.
Why? Are you insecure or anything?
Nope, but I do feel the need to test people by shocking them with hard-minded ideeas. This shows me how people react and if I can trust them or not.
It's actually making sense... But I'm not gonna admit it.
We wouldn't want that. Sometimes I wish could yell at the world:
"Shut up! SHUT THE FUCK UP! Shut up world because you're talking bullshit and you're teaching us shit!" I wish everyone could just shut up for a day and just chill!
Uhm... Anyhow, I'm starting to get hungry.
Let's go to a turkish restaurant that I love.
Sweet! Were is that?
Green Lanes, close to Wood Green.
You do know that we're is south and that's in the north?
Yup. Is Sunday and don't tell me you have to go work. It's wort it.
Promise?
Yes.
Ok, then let's go!
Yes please.

Clapham

David, sorry I'm late.

Hi Drew! No worries.
Come, give me a hug.
Ah! Feels so good to rest on your shoulder.

Oh my God! How long has it been?

7 years.

7 years?! That's like forever!

I knooow! Good to have you back!

I've missed you soo much!

I've missed you too! How have you been?

Oh, there is so much to share!
Let's go to Costa and talk.

What coffee should I get?
I usually get Latte from here, because I like my coffee strong and with milk.
The white juice.
Haha! Funny guy. Stop it!
How's your sister? I haven't seen here since after the divorce. Is she still with that guy?
She's ok, but she's not with that guy anymore. I have a niece from them, a beautiful curly-hair-blue-eyes 3 years old girl. The apple of my eyes! She's the reason I still talk to my sister.
Oh my! She had a child?
Yup.
She told me that she never wants to have children, because she will be an awful mom.
Yeah, she is awful.
I'm sorry to hear that... Can I meet her?
Of course you can! She's living with me now, because Maria moved to Switzerland last winter to be with her "hubby" and abandoned Sara here. I'm actually claiming custody for her in court.
Sara, what a beautiful name!
Thank you. Picked it up myself, because Maria didn't really wanted her... I'm glad she's now with me.
So what you've been up to? What happened to that norvegian girl you were dating?
Franca? We got married in 2011 and divorced 4 years later.
Don't tell me she cheated too!
Wasn't like that, it wasn't like you and Maria. One Saturday morning she told me that she doesn't want to be married anymore because she wants to focus more on her carrier, so she packed all her stuff and left same day. Last time I've heard from here, she was in Sweden working in corporate HR. Drew, sorry to ask you, but how and why did you become gay?
Ha! Long story, but I'll try to make it short.
If you don't want to share, I'm not pushing it.
That's fine. Well... after Maria's cheating stories, I've become depressed because I couldn't understand what I've done wrong and why wasn't she happy with me. Only now I know it wasn't my fault. I had suicidal thoughts. Actually, that's why I went Thailand: to party hard and to end my life with drugs and booze on one of the islands. In Pattaya I've met this swingers couple from the States. Both of them were bisexual, thing that I've realised one night, on a small group sex, when I was drunk and on pills, and I've seen his head between my legs, instead of his wife's. It was the best bj of my life! It felt unbelievably good. So things go interesting from there, I've become more interested in having sex with men, because every experience felt like a fight for supremacy. With a woman you know where is going, she will surrender to you, but with a man is more spontaneous and I feel more involved.
Wow! I mean... WOW! Please don't share more details.
I won't. I'll behave.
When did you come back?
From there? In late 2010, but then moved to LA for couple of years.
The City of Angels...
It's full of angels! What memories... Had to go so I've returned here and I lived in North Clapham for three years and never had an issue with finding a local sexual partner. Too bad none of them turned into long term...
So no thoughts on rebecoming straight.
I am bisexual, I love having threesomes with married couples. But if I ever again turn straight, I'm scared that never a girl would be able to understand me and the things that I've gone through. Once I will start telling her about my past, she will reject me and judge my behaviour. I don't want that! I don't want rejection! I've been rejected all my life! A man can understand me better than any woman does.

I'm crying on the inside knowing that you're somehow right. Most girls are judgemental and lack in compassion and divine grace. With them you have to go baby steps. I can share a fair amount of personal experiences where girls just didn't have the mental capacity to process me and my ideas. It's difficult for me to have a long term relationship.

That's because you're a filthy pig! Haha! It's your fault.

Of course that's why! But leaving the joke aside, I hope you will realise that your gayness will have to end soon so you can discover again the wonders of women and have your own kids and family.
As you did!
Don't take me as an example, but now I'm trying to build a friendship based relationship with an amazing women that I've met couple of months ago. First three dates have been amazing, no sex involved. We just talked for hours and hours and it was a very good chemistry between us.
I'm so happy for you! But please be aware that if you open up to her too quickly, things will go south.
I'm hoping it will not, but anything can happen. Including you becoming straight again.
Haha! We'll see.
I've might've done something stupid when I told her that I want a long term relationship and if everything is right, sooner or later we will get married.
What?!?
Man, if she can process that the right way, she will see that I don't want to fool around anymore and I can offer stability.
When did you tell her that?
We where out, next to the Tower of London, one night when we walked passed it, we stopped and started talking. So I've opened up to her and she was shocked. After that we went to a piano concert...
Oh David, David! She might understand you're desperate into getting married or something.
No way! You know I'm not desperate. I can't afford to be desperate, because I have a child to raise and she is my priority. I've been married once and I know what I want and that I don't. I know what to do and what to do not. But I just don't have the patience to wait anymore... not because I'm desperate or anxious to get into a long term relationship, but because I don't want to waste time.

David, David, David! You're too good for her. She will break your heart. Please be careful, because I've been burned soo many times.
I know and I'm sorry...
David, it takes time to know someone.
Of course, but why not doing it while you're with that someone? Why wait years and years to grow a relationship while being still having the "single" status, when you can save time by doing that meanwhile you're with the one you're interested in?
Uhm... I think that once you've taken the decision to be with someone, you should spend more and more time together in order to discover each other.
Exactly! It's like with a job: you go to couple of interviews to the companies you want to work for, and then one becomes more interested in you. After more interview there, a decision is made to give you a trial and see how you work, if you like them and so on. So once the decision is taken and you agreed on term, you are officially an employee of that company and you try together to make money. You both share a purpose, a cause, a schedule, you share opinions, and if you or they discover that you're not fit for each other, you split in good terms and life goes on.
Hahaha! That's a funny ways to say it, but it's true.

Drew, why is it so complicated?
It's not, but we complicate it, because we don't like it to be simple. If it's to simple or too easy, we feel like there's no purpose to fight for.
Because we still believe in fairy tales, when in reality, life is about the who takes better advantage from what it has.
True story. And what you'll do next if she fails?
Like always: I'm gonna move on.
Of course, but there's always a one more try... Remember?
Uh! I remember telling you that 10 years ago. Now I don't believe it like I used to.

Pseudo-Infinite-Nothingness

Was there ever a person to never question the reason why we are here?

Of course there are questions and stories about our origins on this planet, but why would you choose to believe that we come from nothing and we head to nothing? Why is our evolution from Big Bang to present day and to last star's death a journey of nothingness? Isn't it just a waste of time and energy? Why is the story of this pseudo-infinite-nothingness better than Creation?

Why do we believe in lies, even tho we know is not true? Because it give us mental comfort and power to go through the day, hoping that by the day's end, we will figure out what is really happening and adjust accordingly.

How much?

What happened to us that we started measuring Life? Why this need to have limits for everything and to categorise people into groups of 'How much?'
I find this to be crazy because many things can't be  measured.
Not measurable:
-faith: we keep saying that a big faith will keep one away from trouble
-love: "I love you a lot!" but how big is "a lot"? Is like faith, you either have it or not. Nobody will ever say " I love you jut a bit, just enough to make it easier for me"
-trust: you either have it or not. There is no little trust!
And many others.
We keep adding categories so we can better index the people we meet: big boobs, small boobs, smelly breath, poor, rich, stupid, smart, lost, professional behaviour, desperate, excellent lover, lousy kisser, terrible at driving, "I trust them to drive me places", beautiful, and so on, and on, and on... Therefore, you will love only certain people, you will go out with only certain groups and avoid all the rest.
All of this limits out way of acting and behaving in society. I believe that only God can make you and me "Unlimited."